I became a single mother by choice, after multiple rounds of assisted reproductive techniques, just shy of my 40th birthday. Greyson was my dream come true and I will never forget the sudden wave of completeness that washed over me the moment he was born. He was everything I needed in life.

Greyson was born 6 weeks early with a rare Congenital Heart Defect (CHD) and Heterotaxy Syndrome. He was immediately whisked to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) to begin what would become a lifetime of medical interventions.

I met my son for the first time at his bedside nearly 12 hours after he was born. He was tinier than I ever imagined, and when I described his actual size to others it was to say that he was “just a little bigger than a backyard squirrel.” My Grey Squirrel. Hence, the name of my blog: Grey Squirrel Mama.

Greyson and I spent every day of his life together before I made the difficult decision to let his physical self go. They were the absolute best 94 days of my life. Now, there were a LOT of lows and feelings of great defeat along the way, but in the grand scheme of things our time together as mother and child were perfect.

Since Greyson’s passing I have struggled on and off with how to move forward. I realized the day after he was gone that being someone’s mom - his mom - had been my purpose in this life. Without him I felt a new level of emptiness that was indescribable. I also knew that losing Greyson would forever be the absolute worst possible thing to happen in my lifetime. If I could somehow find a way to move forward then life would only be uphill from there.

Speaking from experience (and a whole lot of therapy), no one can ever expect to “get over” the death of their child. Not. Ever. But we can learn healthy ways to live with that loss and make it a part of who we are. My child’s death forced me to rethink my priorities and the meaning of my own life. It seemed impossible at first (and on bad days still does), but I promise that happiness and purpose can be found again.

Today I am the proud mother of Greyson’s beautiful sister, Charlotte - born 15 months after his passing. By nature, Charlotte is the perfect combination of her brother and her own independent spirit. She is not his replacement by any means, but I do believe that she is here because of him. Together we are living our best lives and taking our Grey Squirrel’s spirit with us.